It's been a long time since I posted a new entry. There have been many changes in my life, including the lessening of the severity and quantity of my migraines. I'm hoping this means that I've moved into menopause and will soon see the back of these migraines. I would really love that.
In the meantime, I've been trying to find ways to feel a sense of accomplishment, even if it's just cleaning out the cat box!!! I am feeling rather excited about my newest venture, and want to record the happenings here. I am going to be home schooling Daemon this summer. It's been proven that children lose up to as much as 2 months of learning over the summer. And it's more for children like Daemon, who still have some global delays.
So, today was our first home school day. Daemon signed into Dream box (which is the math program that we have signed up with the school for). He has to do at least 30 minutes a day, and so far he has done really well. He fussed a little when I told him to get ready for using the computer to do his lessons. Once he knew the routine he calmed down. We also went to the Bemis library to pick out some dinosaur books. We're going to create a Dinosaur notebook, where he can write write down the facts about the dinosaur and also make a drawing of it.
After the library, we came home and chilled for a little while, then I had him work on the reading program on the internet that he has to do four times a week.
All in all, it was a good day. Daemon especially enjoyed going to the library. I think we're going to make that a weekly outing.
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
Sunday, August 7, 2016
One Step
I know that there are hundreds of thousands of people in the world whose life circumstances are far worse than mine, but here, in the midst of it, mine seem pretty overwhelming. There are people who live every day hungry and with the need to find ways to feed themselves and their families, while I really don't have to worry about that. I have enough to eat, although I do need to supplement sometimes from local food banks. There are people who fight disease and have no way to get the medical treatment they deserve, while I have access to some of the best medical care in the world, and still, I complain.
There has to be a balance here somewhere. There are so many people I know who have so much more than I do; whose lives are what I imagine to be better than mine. Social media tends to reinforce this belief because people post all the fun things they do, and the great pictures of vacations and special occasions and they rarely post the negative things.
I find myself wondering how I got here. Obviously, some of the choices I have made along the way have contributed to my present circumstances, but I would never have consciously chosen my current situation. I am living in sub standard housing that is more than I can afford. The local housing prices (both rental and home buying) have sky rocketed since Colorado legalized marijuana. Sadly, this pushes folks like us to the fringes of the "nice" areas to live, and I'm wondering how many folks have found themselves homeless in the last few months. Our rent was increased $225 a month with very little notice. Before that happened, we were diligently looking for another place that was bigger (we live in a two bedroom, under 800 square feet apartment with two adults and a child) but couldn't find anything we could afford. And, now, we can't really afford where we are. I have a car (after three years of not having one) that suddenly needs $2200 repairs that were probably wrong with it when I bought it. I have no idea where I'm going to get the money to fix it. And, even with all this facing me, I still have a life of privilege when compared to third world countries, and even, to the homeless in our own country.
Because I am disabled (finally officially), my income is fixed and will never increase. And, my daughter is having difficulties with her employment and her abilities to work so her income isn't much either. I've been trying to think of ways to supplement our income and am working on creating an online craft shop. However, I often don't feel well enough to make the crafts I want to sell on this virtual shop.
So I find myself feeling defeated, cheated, and helpless. I don't enjoy feeling any of these things Most of the time I can put a brave face on things, but the truth is that I am desperately afraid that we will find ourselves homeless and can't even wrap my brain around all that that would mean.
So, again, how did I get here? I have had both good times and bad times throughout my 52 years, but none have been this extreme. I try to find some joy in life on a regular basis, but don't always manage to do so. I was asked recently if there is anything in my life that I still love to do passionately that hasn't been affected by my disability and by my circumstances. The real answer is no, there isn't anything. That doesn't mean that I don't find ways to do things that I enjoy, but it does mean that I could never have imagined myself at this juncture.
I find joy in my first grandchild, who lives with me, on a daily basis. I find joy in the natural beauty of where I live, and when I can get there, in the mountains around me. I find joy and laughter with my family too. Yet everything seems to have this underlying layer of darkness that feels like just one wrong step will send me spiraling downward into the abyss.
A friend recently suggested that I keep a list of "things I did well today" every day so that I could concentrate on the good things in my life rather than the negative. And while that helps a lot, I haven't yet been able to make it a daily practice. I think it's a marvelous idea, and it does help my mindset more than doing the gratitude journal. But, I still find myself overwhelmed by my circumstances. I have too much stuff and I need desperately to purge it, and eventually be able to stop paying for a storage unit. However, due to my disability, I am not physically capable of doing it on my own and trying to get help often ends in frustration, anger and depression, and doesn't result in getting any of it purged.
So, I guess the big question here is, how do I change my circumstances? The Law of Attraction tells us that the first step is to change our thinking. And, while that can be very effective, it's really hard to keep a "Pollyanna" mentality when you're in pain every day and when paying the bills is a constant concern.
I wonder if setting a goal to think positively about even just one thing a day would work? Or maybe to record the places/things I found joy in each day combined with the positive thinking, and the list of "things I did well today". I'm not sure any of that will work, but it's certainly worth a try! I have faith in God that I will not be without comfort and guidance. I believe that things happen for a reason, and I need to look deeper to find what it is that I am to learn and how to take that forward in my life. As my daughter told me this week, all journeys start with just one step. So, today, this post is my first step in the journey to turning my life around.
Off we go...
There has to be a balance here somewhere. There are so many people I know who have so much more than I do; whose lives are what I imagine to be better than mine. Social media tends to reinforce this belief because people post all the fun things they do, and the great pictures of vacations and special occasions and they rarely post the negative things.
I find myself wondering how I got here. Obviously, some of the choices I have made along the way have contributed to my present circumstances, but I would never have consciously chosen my current situation. I am living in sub standard housing that is more than I can afford. The local housing prices (both rental and home buying) have sky rocketed since Colorado legalized marijuana. Sadly, this pushes folks like us to the fringes of the "nice" areas to live, and I'm wondering how many folks have found themselves homeless in the last few months. Our rent was increased $225 a month with very little notice. Before that happened, we were diligently looking for another place that was bigger (we live in a two bedroom, under 800 square feet apartment with two adults and a child) but couldn't find anything we could afford. And, now, we can't really afford where we are. I have a car (after three years of not having one) that suddenly needs $2200 repairs that were probably wrong with it when I bought it. I have no idea where I'm going to get the money to fix it. And, even with all this facing me, I still have a life of privilege when compared to third world countries, and even, to the homeless in our own country.
Because I am disabled (finally officially), my income is fixed and will never increase. And, my daughter is having difficulties with her employment and her abilities to work so her income isn't much either. I've been trying to think of ways to supplement our income and am working on creating an online craft shop. However, I often don't feel well enough to make the crafts I want to sell on this virtual shop.
So I find myself feeling defeated, cheated, and helpless. I don't enjoy feeling any of these things Most of the time I can put a brave face on things, but the truth is that I am desperately afraid that we will find ourselves homeless and can't even wrap my brain around all that that would mean.
So, again, how did I get here? I have had both good times and bad times throughout my 52 years, but none have been this extreme. I try to find some joy in life on a regular basis, but don't always manage to do so. I was asked recently if there is anything in my life that I still love to do passionately that hasn't been affected by my disability and by my circumstances. The real answer is no, there isn't anything. That doesn't mean that I don't find ways to do things that I enjoy, but it does mean that I could never have imagined myself at this juncture.
I find joy in my first grandchild, who lives with me, on a daily basis. I find joy in the natural beauty of where I live, and when I can get there, in the mountains around me. I find joy and laughter with my family too. Yet everything seems to have this underlying layer of darkness that feels like just one wrong step will send me spiraling downward into the abyss.
A friend recently suggested that I keep a list of "things I did well today" every day so that I could concentrate on the good things in my life rather than the negative. And while that helps a lot, I haven't yet been able to make it a daily practice. I think it's a marvelous idea, and it does help my mindset more than doing the gratitude journal. But, I still find myself overwhelmed by my circumstances. I have too much stuff and I need desperately to purge it, and eventually be able to stop paying for a storage unit. However, due to my disability, I am not physically capable of doing it on my own and trying to get help often ends in frustration, anger and depression, and doesn't result in getting any of it purged.
So, I guess the big question here is, how do I change my circumstances? The Law of Attraction tells us that the first step is to change our thinking. And, while that can be very effective, it's really hard to keep a "Pollyanna" mentality when you're in pain every day and when paying the bills is a constant concern.
I wonder if setting a goal to think positively about even just one thing a day would work? Or maybe to record the places/things I found joy in each day combined with the positive thinking, and the list of "things I did well today". I'm not sure any of that will work, but it's certainly worth a try! I have faith in God that I will not be without comfort and guidance. I believe that things happen for a reason, and I need to look deeper to find what it is that I am to learn and how to take that forward in my life. As my daughter told me this week, all journeys start with just one step. So, today, this post is my first step in the journey to turning my life around.
Off we go...
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Change
Change is the buzz word for this year so far.
This Spring has been a very wet one with lots of snow and rain. It's probably the wettest one I've spent in Colorado. That's ok though, because it keeps the pollen down and that makes the migraines less severe.
My migraines have changed in presentation, side effects and longevity as well as severity. My neurologist thinks that I've finally moved into full blown menopause from peri-menopause. Yay! I know that sounds absurd, but for me, it's actually hopeful. Moving into menopause, albeit uncomfortable as hell, is as positive change since it signals the end is coming. That, hopefully, will mean the end of my migraines, or at least a lessening of quantity as well as severity. I'm holding on to that hope with all I've got! Even though the disability payments make life easier, I'd rather not have a disability! Interestingly enough, my back has started spasming on a regular basis and it got so bad that I finally sought out a chiropractor. Fortunately, I found a great one only a few blocks away. And, the best part is that Medicare pays for most of the cost of the visits (after my deductible), so I only have to pay a little under $7 per visit. Yay!
Jen has chosen to take a break from massage for now. In October 2015, after we got the retro money from disability, she quit her job at Elements Massage because she was really close to burn out. She then rented a space from our friends Bridget and Lois at Spellbound Salon and Metaphysical shop to use for her personal clients. This was both exciting and healing for Jen. Unfortunately, after about six months, she decided it just wasn't working out. I have to admit there was some really heavy disappointment for me. I so wanted this to work for her. It also made an impact on our income. During the six months, we had my disability retro money to live on, so she was able to operate at a loss. Now, though, that is just not the case. So, she's moved out of Spellbound and has now gotten a part time job at Home Depot while she develops a new business: Self Care. She is starting a self care coaching business. She has created some classes and the first one is next week. I hope that this works out for her. She needs so much for something to go well.
We have a new roommate. Jen's friend, Janelle Costanza moved out here in March. She transferred from Home Depot in Buffalo to a Home Depot in Highlands Ranch. She is a kitchen designer, and they were in need of one. She is living with us currently. The original plan was that she would stay with us for a while until she could find an apartment. Unfortunately, the rental market is still outrageous and she can't find even a studio that she can afford that isn't in downtown Denver. And even those are few and far between. I was very reticent about her living here, but it has worked out well except for the fact that we're packed into this apartment like sardines! She and Jen talked about finding an apartment together, I was thinking about trying to find a place on my own (although I don't really think I should be living on my own), and so we've been looking for all kinds of possible scenarios. Unfortunately, nothing has presented itself yet. Then, when we all decided that we could live together (I admit to being pleasantly surprised that it's working out) we started looking for something big enough for all of us. Then Janelle got the idea to look into buying a house. She has great credit, and so found out that she could qualify for a loan of $175,000. And, while that is awesome, it isn't enough for this area. So now, her mom has agreed to help out with money and to co-sign. The lender is also looking at my income and credit as a possible way to increase the pre-approved amount. It will be interesting to see how it turns out.
School is almost out for the summer - Friday is the last day. Daemon has grown and matured so much this year! I was feeling a bit nervous about having him at home all summer, because I've really struggled with migraines this year. As it turns out, Daemon's teacher, Ms. Patterson recommended him for a free summer school program and he was accepted. He starts on June 6 and it goes through July 28th. The only catch is that I have to drive him. I've committed to doing so, because I think it will be great for him and for me. Daemon flourishes with routines, and he's been struggling at school since Janelle moved in with us. He's gotten into a few fights with classmates, and he's hit and spit at people. That is so unlike him. So, we're working on trying to find ways to help him cope with the emotional issues that are obviously bothering him. I talked to my therapist Jen about it, and she feels that it is probably that he is picking up on our tensions at home, just as I do. I'm hoping it will be a fantastic program for him.
Financially, we're almost back where we were before I got approved for disability. I had had the best intentions of putting away a chunk of money to fall back on. Sadly, it felt so good to be able to spend what I wanted when I wanted, and since Jen wasn't bringing in any money, we paid bills with it, and now it's all gone. I'm so angry with myself. I knew that I should do it right after we got it, because I'm terrible with frittering money away, but I didn't, so here we are again. We will be ok - we managed before, and now we have all of our basic needs met, as well as having invested in some luxuries (TV, DVD/VCR player, two iPads, an iPod for Jen, a new computer, a new photo printer, new iPhones for Jen and I and a lot of new clothes). So, we're in a better place overall, our transportation needs are met, for the most part our bills are paid on time, and Janelle is contributing to the household expenses like paper products and food. Jen feels that Janelle is contributing enough for now, and we can make it without anything else. I am not so sure, so Janelle and I will talk about it this week and come to some kind of an agreement. I hate having to watch every penny I spend. I hate going to the grocery store and having to add up the cost of things in my head to make sure that I don't spend too much. So, we'll see how it goes.
I've spent a great deal of money on scrapbooking products and classes, and while I'm absolutely loving that, I have to stop. I need to organize the products that I have and get a space set up to be able to use them, as well as get them organized so that I know where everything is. I currently struggle to put a page together (or even a card) because I can't find something that I know I have. That is going to be my goal for the last couple of weeks of May. The chaos in my bedroom is overwhelming at times and I really want it to be a place of calm and sanctuary as well as creativity when the mood strikes. The one thing that I'm really struggling with is that I have felt so poorly for most of this year, I haven't had the energy or ability to do what I want to do to get things organized and accessible.
Despite the migraines, I've started attending a book group at church. It has been so good for me. The first book we did was "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown. It was a wonderful book and it fit in perfectly with the EMDR work that I am doing with Jennifer Key. It was also a fantastic social interaction as well as being able to share my thoughts and feelings without judgment. The second book we are doing is "Jesus for President". That one is a lot harder for me to get into. It takes a lot of brain work - the concepts are profound and enlightening, and also hard work in a different way. The group has been led by Stacy Frederickson, who is the wife of one of the pastors at St. Andrew UMC. She is amazing and I love getting to know her. Her husband Dale, is the main pastor for the Wildflower service. Unfortunately, (and this makes me cry), Dale is being transferred. He will start his new appointment in Lakewood on July 1. This means that he and Stacy will not be able to be at St. Andrew for the first year. The United Methodist Church has a rule that after a pastor is transferred, he/she is not allowed to come back to, or have contact with, parishioners of the previous church. I really hate that! I am glad, however, that the book study will continue in the fall. We will have a different leader, but it is a really wonderful social interaction for me. And, through this group, I have connected with a couple of the ladies, and one in particular. Janette and I will get together throughout the summer for coffee, and perhaps a concert at Red Rocks.
So, there it is, all the changes happening in my life. Wow. There is so much! I did Week In The Life last week, and I really struggled to do it at all. I didn't finish last year's, let alone the two I'd started before. And, I started a new project in December - December Daily. And that, too, is sitting there undone - barely started for that matter. So my goal for the summer is to actually finish all the projects I have started. There are so many that I want to do, so many amazing classes, etc. But the reality is that I cannot do the quantity I used to do. And, I was a slow scrapper to begin with!
I know that although change is hard, it can also be good. We grow, we mature, we gain wisdom and insight. And, if we let it, change can make us better people. I'm hoping that I will also gain some acceptance for my shortcomings, and continue to heal my brokenness.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
High Frequency
So, here I sit staring at my computer screen feeling the need to write. I'm not really sure how to even begin to put down all of my thoughts. I feel like my brain is on fast forward. The thoughts swirl by so quickly I can barely recognize them before the next one zips through. My EMDR therapist calls this operating at high frequency.
I think, sometimes, my brain does this in an attempt to compensate for the fact that my body is no longer capable of the actions and reactions that it used to be capable of. It is capable of a reasonable facsimile thereof, but certainly, not the same. Some days that makes me very angry. Some days it just makes me sad. Some days I'm able to overcome all that negativity and enjoy being in the moment. Today, however, was not one of those good days.
I've had a migraine daily for the last two weeks. It makes it so hard to do even the smallest task. In September I finally received the first monthly installment of my disability insurance. And, two days later, I received the retro-active payment equivalent to five years of disability payments, including cost of living (minus my attorney's fees). It's been such a long time coming, and I was absolutely elated! For the entire week after those payments came in, I was in a perpetually good mood, and my migraines even cooperated to some extent so that I was able to get some things done.
The first thing I did was go car shopping. We have been without a car for almost three years now. It has been so difficult doing even minor things like grocery shopping, or doctor's appointments, or even being able to pick Daemon up from school if he got sick. Unfortunately, the first foray in the the wide world of used cars did not net me a car. They did not have the model I had seen advertised, and although they were great to work with and tried to find me something else, it just did not work out. Since then, I have felt so physically ill that there were days I didn't even get dressed, let alone get out the door. So, here we are almost three weeks later, still without a car. I must admit to being incredibly impatient. I want one NOW! Actually, I want one three weeks ago!
Patience has never been my strong suit. I wonder sometimes if that is my great big lesson that God is trying to teach me in this lifetime. I am getting better at it. But I still suck at it! I am impatient with my body for not cooperating with what I want to do. I am impatient with the pain and the fatigue and the need to sleep when I want to be out doing things. I have not yet figured out how to find balance in this life I'm living. I am not good at allowing myself to sleep when I need to sleep. Or resting when I need to rest. Or, even eat when I need to eat. Sometimes I am in such a frenetic state that I am afraid to eat for fear that I will trigger a bulimic episode. Oh yes, that too is one of my issues.
The second thing I wanted to do was move. However, the rental market is very tight right now. It is incredibly hard to find a three bedroom home to rent for less than $1,500 a month. That is pushing how much we can afford even with my increased income, and Jen's income. Also, we want to stay in the same school district since Daemon is doing so well. His teacher this year is amazing. The school he attends is phenomenal and absolutely goes all out for the kids. So, for the time being we are stuck in a tiny apartment that is too small for two of us let alone three! We have, however, been able to purchase some things to help us get organized and that is a tremendous help.
There are a number of other things I want to do with this money. I want to donate to several charitable organizations that helped us transition from living with my (now) ex-husband to living here. For the first year, we couldn't pay the rent on our own. Our church and several other organizations as well as friends and family were very helpful. I want very much to contribute to those organizations so that others can get the same (or better) help we did. I also want to invest some of it. I also have to pay taxes and buy my car. I need to do some really serious thinking about actual amounts and where I want them to go, and then make it happen. However, when I am operating at this "high frequency" I can't stick on a thought long enough to do anything with it.
Today is World Card Making day and I wanted to make cards most of the day. Unfortunately, I felt physically ill, and mentally sad, angry and grieving. Over the last two months, I have found several groups on Facebook that are scrapbook oriented and have started to connect with some amazing people. There was a lot going on today - blog hops, folks chatting, sharing cards they had made and other creative items. I love being part of these groups because I no longer feel alone in my hobby, and I feel validated, encouraged, inspired, and cared for. I feel like I'm part of the world again, even when I'm still at home. It has been really wonderful for my state of mind, as well as giving me back my creative drive. I'm really loving it. I have made a few pages over the last couple of months, and am working on several others. I have also made a few cards and a gift box. The first page I did (after my Week In The Life title page) was a sketch challenge from the Bo Bunny blog. I just happened to have the perfect picture and some papers that I had purchased in 2012 just before the big breakup. So I got those out and went to work. This is what I came up with:
I am very happy with how it turned out. I still need to do the journaling, but this is the 2nd complete layout I've done in 2 1/2 years. That's a huge step for me. And a few days later, I wanted to do some more, so I got out a picture that was taken of Jen and Daemon when they were in Buffalo in 2012. Jen took a semester off and went to Buffalo, NY to spend time with two friends, Stephanie and Janelle. The layout is of a walk they took in a park and is a favorite of mine. I have started subscribing to a kit club (something I've wanted to do for years) and I used parts of the kit for this layout:
So, I have had some good moments in the last month, and I've tried very hard to take advantage of those times. I am so grateful that I have scrapbooked these photos, and I'm looking forward to doing many more. I have been able to purchase new supplies that I've been wanting for a long time, and now I'm facing a reorganization of "the whole kit and kaboodle", and all I really want to do is play with my goodies! However, until they are where I can find them, I cannot effectively do what I want to do. The biggest project I want to accomplish is finishing my Week In The Life for this year, but more importantly, for 2011. I had not finished it, and for me, doing so would give me some closure of the incident with my ex-husband, as well as the end of our marriage. I need that. So, my goal for the coming week is to get things rearranged a bit, get scrapping and get some work done. Hopefully I will be able to do that!
So, here's to positive thoughts, positive feelings, physical and mental well being and finding a car to buy!!!! There is always hope! God's mercies are new every morning, and I am claiming that as my mantra for now.
I think, sometimes, my brain does this in an attempt to compensate for the fact that my body is no longer capable of the actions and reactions that it used to be capable of. It is capable of a reasonable facsimile thereof, but certainly, not the same. Some days that makes me very angry. Some days it just makes me sad. Some days I'm able to overcome all that negativity and enjoy being in the moment. Today, however, was not one of those good days.
I've had a migraine daily for the last two weeks. It makes it so hard to do even the smallest task. In September I finally received the first monthly installment of my disability insurance. And, two days later, I received the retro-active payment equivalent to five years of disability payments, including cost of living (minus my attorney's fees). It's been such a long time coming, and I was absolutely elated! For the entire week after those payments came in, I was in a perpetually good mood, and my migraines even cooperated to some extent so that I was able to get some things done.
The first thing I did was go car shopping. We have been without a car for almost three years now. It has been so difficult doing even minor things like grocery shopping, or doctor's appointments, or even being able to pick Daemon up from school if he got sick. Unfortunately, the first foray in the the wide world of used cars did not net me a car. They did not have the model I had seen advertised, and although they were great to work with and tried to find me something else, it just did not work out. Since then, I have felt so physically ill that there were days I didn't even get dressed, let alone get out the door. So, here we are almost three weeks later, still without a car. I must admit to being incredibly impatient. I want one NOW! Actually, I want one three weeks ago!
Patience has never been my strong suit. I wonder sometimes if that is my great big lesson that God is trying to teach me in this lifetime. I am getting better at it. But I still suck at it! I am impatient with my body for not cooperating with what I want to do. I am impatient with the pain and the fatigue and the need to sleep when I want to be out doing things. I have not yet figured out how to find balance in this life I'm living. I am not good at allowing myself to sleep when I need to sleep. Or resting when I need to rest. Or, even eat when I need to eat. Sometimes I am in such a frenetic state that I am afraid to eat for fear that I will trigger a bulimic episode. Oh yes, that too is one of my issues.
The second thing I wanted to do was move. However, the rental market is very tight right now. It is incredibly hard to find a three bedroom home to rent for less than $1,500 a month. That is pushing how much we can afford even with my increased income, and Jen's income. Also, we want to stay in the same school district since Daemon is doing so well. His teacher this year is amazing. The school he attends is phenomenal and absolutely goes all out for the kids. So, for the time being we are stuck in a tiny apartment that is too small for two of us let alone three! We have, however, been able to purchase some things to help us get organized and that is a tremendous help.
There are a number of other things I want to do with this money. I want to donate to several charitable organizations that helped us transition from living with my (now) ex-husband to living here. For the first year, we couldn't pay the rent on our own. Our church and several other organizations as well as friends and family were very helpful. I want very much to contribute to those organizations so that others can get the same (or better) help we did. I also want to invest some of it. I also have to pay taxes and buy my car. I need to do some really serious thinking about actual amounts and where I want them to go, and then make it happen. However, when I am operating at this "high frequency" I can't stick on a thought long enough to do anything with it.
Today is World Card Making day and I wanted to make cards most of the day. Unfortunately, I felt physically ill, and mentally sad, angry and grieving. Over the last two months, I have found several groups on Facebook that are scrapbook oriented and have started to connect with some amazing people. There was a lot going on today - blog hops, folks chatting, sharing cards they had made and other creative items. I love being part of these groups because I no longer feel alone in my hobby, and I feel validated, encouraged, inspired, and cared for. I feel like I'm part of the world again, even when I'm still at home. It has been really wonderful for my state of mind, as well as giving me back my creative drive. I'm really loving it. I have made a few pages over the last couple of months, and am working on several others. I have also made a few cards and a gift box. The first page I did (after my Week In The Life title page) was a sketch challenge from the Bo Bunny blog. I just happened to have the perfect picture and some papers that I had purchased in 2012 just before the big breakup. So I got those out and went to work. This is what I came up with:
So, here's to positive thoughts, positive feelings, physical and mental well being and finding a car to buy!!!! There is always hope! God's mercies are new every morning, and I am claiming that as my mantra for now.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Frustration Overload
The last few days have been difficult ones. I have been working on my Week In The Life album when I have felt well enough to do so. I haven't felt well, so I haven't gotten much done. I was able to get colored ink and get my printer working correctly so that I could start printing pictures. I was making progress! Yay!
However, this progress came at a cost. I have been sick with cluster migraines for the last four or five days. These were more severe than what I typically have and included (besides excruciating pain) nausea, body aches, dizziness, lethargy, a lack of balance and the inability to do much other than sleep or lie on the couch or my bed. I've been feeling terribly frustrated. Last night I decided that despite how crappy I felt I was going to look through my WITL Pinterest board where I had saved over 200 pins of sketches and layouts that I thought I could use or modify to fit my pictures for my Week in the Life album. So, using my android phone during commercials (I was watching the last episode of "Falling Skies" on TNT, I started going through the pins on my Pinterest board. At some point I realized I had pinned the same layout twice, so decided to delete one copy of that particular pin. Well, let me tell you, that was a major mistake. My mind was not clear, and when the message came up about not being able to reverse the process, and was I sure I wished to delete it, I clicked "delete".
I then realized that something did not look right. When I tried to go back to the initial board I discovered IT WAS GONE. THE WHOLE BOARD WAS GONE! NOOOOOOOOOO! How could I have done such a thing? Surely there must be a way to reverse this, right? Well that answer was a big fat NO! So there I sat, on my couch in front of a tv show that I no longer could follow because my brain had suddenly been put on PAUSE! I could not wrap my mind around the idea that I had actually deleted over 200 pins in one fell swoop. Yup, just like that. "You've got to be kidding me", I frantically thought. Sadly, no one was pulling a prank on me. Nope, it was just me and the spongy mass that was masquerading as my brain. I broke down and cried. It actually surprises me that I did not throw my phone across the room. I was so disgusted by the whole mess.
At that point, I had to put it aside and get my grandson ready for bed. As we went through the normal bedtime routine, my mind kept returning to the thought that I had actually deleted an entire board from my Pinterest page. I have done some really sad stuff since developing these migraines, but this would have to be the most frustrating one. Now, it's not impossible to rebuild a board for the WITL layouts. However, I have no way of remembering all the folks I pinned from previously. So, it's back to the drawing "board" so to speak. I went to bed last night hoping that today would be a better day. Both in feeling physically better and having more clarity of mind.
I'm happy to report that I woke up feeling better. I no longer felt that I was slugging through a muddy bog with someone repeatedly stabbing an ice pick through my skull. This was already a good day!
However, this progress came at a cost. I have been sick with cluster migraines for the last four or five days. These were more severe than what I typically have and included (besides excruciating pain) nausea, body aches, dizziness, lethargy, a lack of balance and the inability to do much other than sleep or lie on the couch or my bed. I've been feeling terribly frustrated. Last night I decided that despite how crappy I felt I was going to look through my WITL Pinterest board where I had saved over 200 pins of sketches and layouts that I thought I could use or modify to fit my pictures for my Week in the Life album. So, using my android phone during commercials (I was watching the last episode of "Falling Skies" on TNT, I started going through the pins on my Pinterest board. At some point I realized I had pinned the same layout twice, so decided to delete one copy of that particular pin. Well, let me tell you, that was a major mistake. My mind was not clear, and when the message came up about not being able to reverse the process, and was I sure I wished to delete it, I clicked "delete".
(Cue sound effects: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!)
I then realized that something did not look right. When I tried to go back to the initial board I discovered IT WAS GONE. THE WHOLE BOARD WAS GONE! NOOOOOOOOOO! How could I have done such a thing? Surely there must be a way to reverse this, right? Well that answer was a big fat NO! So there I sat, on my couch in front of a tv show that I no longer could follow because my brain had suddenly been put on PAUSE! I could not wrap my mind around the idea that I had actually deleted over 200 pins in one fell swoop. Yup, just like that. "You've got to be kidding me", I frantically thought. Sadly, no one was pulling a prank on me. Nope, it was just me and the spongy mass that was masquerading as my brain. I broke down and cried. It actually surprises me that I did not throw my phone across the room. I was so disgusted by the whole mess.
At that point, I had to put it aside and get my grandson ready for bed. As we went through the normal bedtime routine, my mind kept returning to the thought that I had actually deleted an entire board from my Pinterest page. I have done some really sad stuff since developing these migraines, but this would have to be the most frustrating one. Now, it's not impossible to rebuild a board for the WITL layouts. However, I have no way of remembering all the folks I pinned from previously. So, it's back to the drawing "board" so to speak. I went to bed last night hoping that today would be a better day. Both in feeling physically better and having more clarity of mind.
I'm happy to report that I woke up feeling better. I no longer felt that I was slugging through a muddy bog with someone repeatedly stabbing an ice pick through my skull. This was already a good day!
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Accepting Limitations
For the last couple of weeks I have been participating in a global scrapbooking experience called Week In The Life that was created by Ali Edwards http://aliedwards.com/projects/week-in-the-life. I have really enjoyed being part of something again. Living with my disability has made it difficult to be as social as I used to be. I miss having friends to hang out with, to have coffee with, the ability to go to church, the movies, fellowship groups, book clubs, etc. Doing Week in the Life has given me back the feeling of being part of something. And not just anything, but MY thing! I like to do a lot of crafts but scrapbooking is my passion.
I wholeheartedly dived in to the project. I got so excited about it that I documented the week before the "official" week started. I even worked on starting my album and created my title page. This was BIG for me, since I have not completed a single scrapbook page for 2 1/2 years. I felt empowered, and excited and elated that I was finally doing what I love AND getting to do it with the support and inspiration of Ali Edwards: http://aliedwards.com/blog and the communities she created on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/aeweekinthelife/ and on her blog. It has been so much fun and has really fed my creative side. I even participated in spite of having several migraines during the two weeks (my week and the official week). That meant that some days I did nothing more than read and respond to other people's posts, but I was still part of it.
This week I had planned to print out my pictures, read through my daily notes, find sketches that would accommodate the number of pictures of each day along with other bits and pieces such as a business card, a Facebook meme that was particularly appropriate for the day and even a lovely card I was given on one of my days. Sadly, I have been feeling really ill this week. Not just migraines - the extreme pain and inability to think or speak clearly, but also other side effects such as nausea, achy muscles and being super sensitive to light, sound and temperature. Add to that that when I have tried to work on the project, I've discovered that my printer is not only out of colored ink (this is how I usually print my pictures), but isn't working properly. In addition, my computer operating system is too old to accommodate any new programs (several plug ins like Flashplayer and Java will not update) and my version of Photo Shop Elements is terribly outdated. The frustration I am feeling is overwhelming.
This is what it is like to live with an "invisible" disability. You get so you try to work around, over, through, or in spite of the disability. But because this disability has prevented me from working outside the home for the last 8 years, I don't have the income to upgrade my technology when it needs it. I was finally approved for disability (after a five year fight) in June, but as of today, August 27, 2015, I still have not seen any money. Not the monthly stipend, or the retro active amount or even my lawyer's fees. That means that I am still struggling financially, and this too, adds to my frustration. So, the frustration, feeling physically unwell, and being angry and depressed at the bureaucratic mess that is the process for Social Security Disabilty creates bigger, and more severe migraines.
At this point, I feel like curling up in a ball and crying. However, that not only solves nothing, it makes the headaches worse. I have been working hard in the last couple of years to accept the limitations of this disability and come to terms with the fact that I can no longer do the things I used to do - or at least in the same way. It takes me much longer to get anything done, even day to day activities like washing dishes, picking up a room or even taking a shower. Sometimes I cannot even do them. I have learned to laugh at myself when I forget something or have to ask someone to repeat something, I have learned that I am still a valuable person even when I cannot do things they way I used to. I'm working towards accepting my limitations, but I have to tell you this is not an easy journey. I know that we all have limitations - even those without disabilities have limitations of one kind or another. But I feel like someone has stolen my life from me and replaced it with a very pale imitation. I HATE not being able to do things the way I used to. I HATE having to write things down just so I remember something small. I HATE being limited to the amount of physical activity that I can do. I HATE not being able to go and do what I want to do when I want to do it. So, I guess I'm not doing well with accepting limitations.
Of course, there are bad days (like today) and there are good days. On my good days, I can laugh and I can enjoy the silly chatter of my six year old grandson, and I can get around fairly easily, and I can do things without too much difficulty. Unfortunately my bad days far outnumber my good days. So, I'm working on acceptance. I've always been harder on myself than on anyone else, and that's a hard habit to break. I am, however, learning to allow myself the grace to be, to feel, to experience the difficult parts of my life. The harder I fight, the worse I feel.
So, on this day, I am going to be grateful for the fact that I have actually put together a scrapbook page for the first time in 2 1/2 years, I am grateful for being involved in such an amazing project and group of people from all over the globe. I am grateful to live with my daughter and grandson who love me and value me. I am grateful for friends (even though they live far away) and Facebook friends that help me feel connected. And tomorrow, I'm sure, will be a better day, and I'll manage to get my album done even if it takes me a year of tomorrows.
I wholeheartedly dived in to the project. I got so excited about it that I documented the week before the "official" week started. I even worked on starting my album and created my title page. This was BIG for me, since I have not completed a single scrapbook page for 2 1/2 years. I felt empowered, and excited and elated that I was finally doing what I love AND getting to do it with the support and inspiration of Ali Edwards: http://aliedwards.com/blog and the communities she created on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/aeweekinthelife/ and on her blog. It has been so much fun and has really fed my creative side. I even participated in spite of having several migraines during the two weeks (my week and the official week). That meant that some days I did nothing more than read and respond to other people's posts, but I was still part of it.
This week I had planned to print out my pictures, read through my daily notes, find sketches that would accommodate the number of pictures of each day along with other bits and pieces such as a business card, a Facebook meme that was particularly appropriate for the day and even a lovely card I was given on one of my days. Sadly, I have been feeling really ill this week. Not just migraines - the extreme pain and inability to think or speak clearly, but also other side effects such as nausea, achy muscles and being super sensitive to light, sound and temperature. Add to that that when I have tried to work on the project, I've discovered that my printer is not only out of colored ink (this is how I usually print my pictures), but isn't working properly. In addition, my computer operating system is too old to accommodate any new programs (several plug ins like Flashplayer and Java will not update) and my version of Photo Shop Elements is terribly outdated. The frustration I am feeling is overwhelming.
This is what it is like to live with an "invisible" disability. You get so you try to work around, over, through, or in spite of the disability. But because this disability has prevented me from working outside the home for the last 8 years, I don't have the income to upgrade my technology when it needs it. I was finally approved for disability (after a five year fight) in June, but as of today, August 27, 2015, I still have not seen any money. Not the monthly stipend, or the retro active amount or even my lawyer's fees. That means that I am still struggling financially, and this too, adds to my frustration. So, the frustration, feeling physically unwell, and being angry and depressed at the bureaucratic mess that is the process for Social Security Disabilty creates bigger, and more severe migraines.
At this point, I feel like curling up in a ball and crying. However, that not only solves nothing, it makes the headaches worse. I have been working hard in the last couple of years to accept the limitations of this disability and come to terms with the fact that I can no longer do the things I used to do - or at least in the same way. It takes me much longer to get anything done, even day to day activities like washing dishes, picking up a room or even taking a shower. Sometimes I cannot even do them. I have learned to laugh at myself when I forget something or have to ask someone to repeat something, I have learned that I am still a valuable person even when I cannot do things they way I used to. I'm working towards accepting my limitations, but I have to tell you this is not an easy journey. I know that we all have limitations - even those without disabilities have limitations of one kind or another. But I feel like someone has stolen my life from me and replaced it with a very pale imitation. I HATE not being able to do things the way I used to. I HATE having to write things down just so I remember something small. I HATE being limited to the amount of physical activity that I can do. I HATE not being able to go and do what I want to do when I want to do it. So, I guess I'm not doing well with accepting limitations.
Of course, there are bad days (like today) and there are good days. On my good days, I can laugh and I can enjoy the silly chatter of my six year old grandson, and I can get around fairly easily, and I can do things without too much difficulty. Unfortunately my bad days far outnumber my good days. So, I'm working on acceptance. I've always been harder on myself than on anyone else, and that's a hard habit to break. I am, however, learning to allow myself the grace to be, to feel, to experience the difficult parts of my life. The harder I fight, the worse I feel.
So, on this day, I am going to be grateful for the fact that I have actually put together a scrapbook page for the first time in 2 1/2 years, I am grateful for being involved in such an amazing project and group of people from all over the globe. I am grateful to live with my daughter and grandson who love me and value me. I am grateful for friends (even though they live far away) and Facebook friends that help me feel connected. And tomorrow, I'm sure, will be a better day, and I'll manage to get my album done even if it takes me a year of tomorrows.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Processing Time
The last two days have been difficult ones for me. I have had extreme cluster migraines. These make it very difficult for me to concentrate on anything. I haven't been able to be as active in the Facebook community and haven't even had a chance to read the last couple of Ali's blog posts. But I am still so happy to be participating in this event.
I have gained so much from being a part of this project this year. I have found value and purpose in my own life, I have reclaimed a part of myself that I had lost, and I have felt part of something huge happening across our world. It is so wonderful to see posts from and have conversations with people in New Zealand, Australia, Hong Kong, Paris, England, Sweden, and the good ole' US of A. I'm sure I have probably missed a couple of cities and countries!
Because of my disability I am unable to be as social as I would like and certainly not as social as I used to be. I was very active in my community, in my church, with my children and their activities, and with friends and loved ones. My world has gotten very small since I cannot commit to anything without a caveat of "unless I feel unwell". Most people don't want to hear that and there are even those that don't believe I have these migraines (that's why it is sometimes referred to as an "invisible disability"), and others think I use them as excuses. Being part of this community of people that spans the globe has given me an incredible gift of joy, of laughter, of sharing, of inspiration, of support, of being able to encourage others and share my thoughts and ideas without fear of censure or judgment. I love that! The "official" 7 days are almost over and I find myself feeling sad. I hope that the community page will stay up on Facebook for a while and that folks will continue to post there and also on Ali Edward's community page.
Part of my scrapbooking process has always been mulling things over before committing the photos and products to paper or to a saved file (if I'm going digital). I've tried to let go of the frustration of feeling unwell and use the time that I can't really concentrate to sort of let things "gel" in my head. I've spent several days looking through sketches, going through my stash for products to use and looking at the photos I've taken and weeding out the ones I won't use. I have done my title page and I keep looking at it like a new baby! I love it! I love that I have finally made a scrapbook page for the first time in a long time, and I love how it turned out. I love the colors and the way it came together. I love the text that Ali so generously gave us, and I love that I have been able to overcome the negative feelings that had become associated with my love of papercrafting.
I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, health wise, and that I can really put in some time creating layouts. I hope that this experience has been as awesome for the rest of the group as it has been for me. I know that there are some that have felt discouraged, but I hope that somehow, whether they decide to finish or not, that they have found something wonderful to take away from it this year and to remember with joy!
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