One Step

I know that there are hundreds of thousands of people in the world whose life circumstances are far worse than mine, but here, in the midst of it, mine seem pretty overwhelming. There are people who live every day hungry and with the need to find ways to feed themselves and their families, while I really don't have to worry about that. I have enough to eat, although I do need to supplement sometimes from local food banks. There are people who fight disease and have no way to get the medical treatment they deserve, while I have access to some of the best medical care in the world, and still, I complain.

There has to be a balance here somewhere. There are so many people I know who have so much more than I do; whose lives are what I imagine to be better than mine. Social media tends to reinforce this belief because people post all the fun things they do, and the great pictures of vacations and special occasions and they rarely post the negative things.

I find myself wondering how I got here. Obviously, some of the choices I have made along the way have contributed to my present circumstances, but I would never have consciously chosen my current situation. I am living in sub standard housing that is more than I can afford. The local housing prices (both rental and home buying) have sky rocketed since Colorado legalized marijuana. Sadly, this pushes folks like us to the fringes of the "nice" areas to live, and I'm wondering how many folks have found themselves homeless in the last few months. Our rent was increased $225 a month with very little notice. Before that happened, we were diligently looking for another place that was bigger (we live in a two bedroom, under 800 square feet apartment with two adults and a child) but couldn't find anything we could afford. And, now, we can't really afford where we are. I have a car (after three years of not having one) that suddenly needs $2200 repairs that were probably wrong with it when I bought it. I have no idea where I'm going to get the money to fix it. And, even with all this facing me, I still have a life of privilege when compared to third world countries, and even, to the homeless in our own country.

Because I am disabled (finally officially), my income is fixed and will never increase. And, my daughter is having difficulties with her employment and her abilities to work so her income isn't much either. I've been trying to think of ways to supplement our income and am working on creating an online craft shop. However, I often don't feel well enough to make the crafts I want to sell on this virtual shop.

So I find myself feeling defeated, cheated, and helpless. I don't enjoy feeling any of these things Most of the time I can put a brave face on things, but the truth is that I am desperately afraid that we will find ourselves homeless and can't even wrap my brain around all that that would mean.

So, again, how did I get here? I have had both good times and bad times throughout my 52 years, but none have been this extreme. I try to find some joy in life on a regular basis, but don't always manage to do so. I was asked recently if there is anything in my life that I still love to do passionately that hasn't been affected by my disability and by my circumstances. The real answer is no, there isn't anything. That doesn't mean that I don't find ways to do things that I enjoy, but it does mean that I could never have imagined myself at this juncture.

I find joy in my first grandchild, who lives with me, on a daily basis. I find joy in the natural beauty of where I live, and when I can get there, in the mountains around me. I find joy and laughter with my family too. Yet everything seems to have this underlying layer of darkness that feels like just one wrong step will send me spiraling downward into the abyss.

A friend recently suggested that I keep a list of "things I did well today" every day so that I could concentrate on the good things in my life rather than the negative. And while that helps a lot, I haven't yet been able to make it a daily practice. I think it's a marvelous idea, and it does help my mindset more than doing the gratitude journal. But, I still find myself overwhelmed by my circumstances. I have too much stuff and I need desperately to purge it, and eventually be able to stop paying for a storage unit. However, due to my disability, I am not physically capable of doing it on my own and trying to get help often ends in frustration, anger and depression, and doesn't result in getting any of it purged.

So, I guess the big question here is, how do I change my circumstances? The Law of Attraction tells us that the first step is to change our thinking. And, while that can be very effective, it's really hard to keep a "Pollyanna" mentality when you're in pain every day and when paying the bills is a constant concern.

I wonder if setting a goal to think positively about even just one thing a day would work? Or maybe to record the places/things I found joy in each day combined with the positive thinking, and the list of "things I did well today". I'm not sure any of that will work, but it's certainly worth a try! I have faith in God that I will not be without comfort and guidance. I believe that things happen for a reason, and I need to look deeper to find what it is that I am to learn and how to take that forward in my life. As my daughter told me this week, all journeys start with just one step. So, today, this post is my first step in the journey to turning my life around.

Off we go...

Change

 Change is the buzz word for this year so far.


This Spring has been a very wet one with lots of snow and rain. It's probably the wettest one I've spent in Colorado. That's ok though, because it keeps the pollen down and that makes the migraines less severe.

My migraines have changed in presentation, side effects and longevity as well as severity. My neurologist thinks that I've finally moved into full blown menopause from peri-menopause. Yay! I know that sounds absurd, but for me, it's actually hopeful. Moving into menopause, albeit uncomfortable as hell, is as positive change since it signals the end is coming. That, hopefully, will mean the end of my migraines, or at least a lessening of quantity as well as severity. I'm holding on to that hope with all I've got! Even though the disability payments make life easier, I'd rather not have a disability! Interestingly enough, my back has started spasming on a regular basis and it got so bad that I finally sought out a chiropractor. Fortunately, I found a great one only a few blocks away. And, the best part is that Medicare pays for most of the cost of the visits (after my deductible), so I only have to pay a little under $7 per visit. Yay!

Jen has chosen to take a break from massage for now. In October 2015,  after we got the retro money from disability, she quit her job at Elements Massage because she was really close to burn out.  She then rented a space from our friends Bridget and Lois at Spellbound Salon and Metaphysical shop to use for her personal clients.  This was both exciting and healing for Jen. Unfortunately, after about six months, she decided it just wasn't working out. I have to admit there was some really heavy disappointment for me. I so wanted this to work for her. It also made an impact on our income. During the six months, we had my disability retro money to live on, so she was able to operate at a loss. Now, though, that is just not the case. So, she's moved out of Spellbound and has now gotten a part time job at Home Depot while she develops a new business: Self Care. She is starting a self care coaching business. She has created some classes and the first one is next week. I hope that this works out for her. She needs so much for something to go well.

We have a new roommate. Jen's friend, Janelle Costanza moved out here in March.  She transferred from Home Depot in Buffalo to a Home Depot in Highlands Ranch. She is a kitchen designer, and they were in need of one. She is living with us currently. The original plan was that she would stay with us for a while until she could find an apartment. Unfortunately, the rental market is still outrageous and she can't find even a studio that she can afford that isn't in downtown Denver. And even those are few and far between. I was very reticent about her living here, but it has worked out well except for the fact that we're packed into this apartment like sardines!  She and Jen talked about finding an apartment together, I was thinking about trying to find a place on my own (although I don't really think I should be living on my own), and so we've been looking for all kinds of possible scenarios. Unfortunately, nothing has presented itself yet.  Then, when we all decided that we could live together (I admit to being pleasantly surprised that it's working out) we started looking for something big enough for all of us. Then Janelle got the idea to look into buying a house. She has great credit, and so found out that she could qualify for a loan of $175,000. And, while that is awesome, it isn't enough for this area. So now, her mom has agreed to help out with money and to co-sign. The lender is also looking at my income and credit as a possible way to increase the pre-approved amount. It will be interesting to see how it turns out.

School is almost out for the summer - Friday is the last day.  Daemon has grown and matured so much this year! I was feeling a bit nervous about having him at home all summer, because I've really struggled with migraines this year. As it turns out, Daemon's teacher, Ms. Patterson recommended him for a free summer school program and he was accepted. He starts on June 6 and it goes through July 28th.  The only catch is that I have to drive him. I've committed to doing so, because I think it will be great for him and for me. Daemon flourishes with routines, and he's been struggling at school since Janelle moved in with us. He's gotten into a few fights with classmates, and he's hit and spit at people. That is so unlike him.  So, we're working on trying to find ways to help him cope with the emotional issues that are obviously bothering him. I talked to my therapist Jen about it, and she feels that it is probably that he is picking up on our tensions at home, just as I do. I'm hoping it will be a fantastic program for him.

Financially, we're almost back where we were before I got approved for disability. I had had the best intentions of putting away a chunk of money to fall back on. Sadly, it felt so good to be able to spend what I wanted when I wanted, and since Jen wasn't bringing in any money, we paid bills with it, and now it's all gone. I'm so angry with myself. I knew that I should do it right after we got it, because I'm terrible with frittering money away, but I didn't, so here we are again.  We will be ok - we managed before, and now we have all of our basic needs met, as well as having invested in some luxuries (TV, DVD/VCR player, two iPads, an iPod for Jen, a new computer, a new photo printer, new iPhones for Jen and I and a lot of new clothes). So, we're in a better place overall, our transportation needs are met, for the most part our bills are paid on time, and Janelle is contributing to the household expenses like paper products and food. Jen feels that Janelle is contributing enough for now, and we can make it without anything else. I am not so sure, so Janelle and I will talk about it this week and come to some kind of an agreement. I hate having to watch every penny I spend. I hate going to the grocery store and having to add up the cost of things in my head to make sure that I don't spend too much. So, we'll see how it goes.

I've spent a great deal of money on scrapbooking products and classes, and while I'm absolutely loving that, I have to stop. I need to organize the products that I have and get a space set up to be able to use them, as well as get them organized so that I know where everything is. I currently struggle to put a page together (or even a card) because I can't find something that I know I have.  That is going to be my goal for the last couple of weeks of May. The chaos in my bedroom is overwhelming at times and I really want it to be a place of calm and sanctuary as well as creativity when the mood strikes.  The one thing that I'm really struggling with is that I have felt so poorly for most of this year, I haven't had the energy or ability to do what I want to do to get things organized and accessible.

Despite the migraines, I've started attending a book group at church. It has been so good for me. The first book we did was "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown. It was a wonderful book and it fit in perfectly with the EMDR work that I am doing with Jennifer Key.  It was also a fantastic social interaction as well as being able to share my thoughts and feelings without judgment. The second book we are doing is "Jesus for President". That one is a lot harder for me to get into. It takes a lot of brain work - the concepts are profound and enlightening, and also hard work in a different way.  The group has been led by Stacy Frederickson, who is the wife of one of the pastors at St. Andrew UMC. She is amazing and I love getting to know her. Her husband Dale, is the main pastor for the Wildflower service.  Unfortunately, (and this makes me cry), Dale is being transferred. He will start his new appointment in Lakewood on July 1. This means that he and Stacy will not be able to be at St. Andrew for the first year. The United Methodist Church has a rule that after a pastor is transferred, he/she is not allowed to come back to, or have contact with, parishioners of the previous church. I really hate that!  I am glad, however, that the book study will continue in the fall. We will have a different leader, but it is a really wonderful social interaction for me. And, through this group, I have connected with a couple of the ladies, and one in particular. Janette and I will get together throughout the summer for coffee, and perhaps a concert at Red Rocks.

So, there it is, all the changes happening in my life. Wow. There is so much! I did Week In The Life last week, and I really struggled to do it at all. I didn't finish last year's, let alone the two I'd started before. And, I started a new project in December - December Daily. And that, too, is sitting there undone - barely started for that matter. So my goal for the summer is to actually finish all the projects I have started. There are so many that I want to do, so many amazing classes, etc. But the reality is that I cannot do the quantity I used to do. And, I was a slow scrapper to begin with!

I know that although change is hard, it can also be good. We grow, we mature, we gain wisdom and insight. And, if we let it, change can make us better people. I'm hoping that I will also gain some acceptance for my shortcomings, and continue to heal my brokenness.