I know that there are hundreds of thousands of people in the world whose life circumstances are far worse than mine, but here, in the midst of it, mine seem pretty overwhelming. There are people who live every day hungry and with the need to find ways to feed themselves and their families, while I really don't have to worry about that. I have enough to eat, although I do need to supplement sometimes from local food banks. There are people who fight disease and have no way to get the medical treatment they deserve, while I have access to some of the best medical care in the world, and still, I complain.
There has to be a balance here somewhere. There are so many people I know who have so much more than I do; whose lives are what I imagine to be better than mine. Social media tends to reinforce this belief because people post all the fun things they do, and the great pictures of vacations and special occasions and they rarely post the negative things.
I find myself wondering how I got here. Obviously, some of the choices I have made along the way have contributed to my present circumstances, but I would never have consciously chosen my current situation. I am living in sub standard housing that is more than I can afford. The local housing prices (both rental and home buying) have sky rocketed since Colorado legalized marijuana. Sadly, this pushes folks like us to the fringes of the "nice" areas to live, and I'm wondering how many folks have found themselves homeless in the last few months. Our rent was increased $225 a month with very little notice. Before that happened, we were diligently looking for another place that was bigger (we live in a two bedroom, under 800 square feet apartment with two adults and a child) but couldn't find anything we could afford. And, now, we can't really afford where we are. I have a car (after three years of not having one) that suddenly needs $2200 repairs that were probably wrong with it when I bought it. I have no idea where I'm going to get the money to fix it. And, even with all this facing me, I still have a life of privilege when compared to third world countries, and even, to the homeless in our own country.
Because I am disabled (finally officially), my income is fixed and will never increase. And, my daughter is having difficulties with her employment and her abilities to work so her income isn't much either. I've been trying to think of ways to supplement our income and am working on creating an online craft shop. However, I often don't feel well enough to make the crafts I want to sell on this virtual shop.
So I find myself feeling defeated, cheated, and helpless. I don't enjoy feeling any of these things Most of the time I can put a brave face on things, but the truth is that I am desperately afraid that we will find ourselves homeless and can't even wrap my brain around all that that would mean.
So, again, how did I get here? I have had both good times and bad times throughout my 52 years, but none have been this extreme. I try to find some joy in life on a regular basis, but don't always manage to do so. I was asked recently if there is anything in my life that I still love to do passionately that hasn't been affected by my disability and by my circumstances. The real answer is no, there isn't anything. That doesn't mean that I don't find ways to do things that I enjoy, but it does mean that I could never have imagined myself at this juncture.
I find joy in my first grandchild, who lives with me, on a daily basis. I find joy in the natural beauty of where I live, and when I can get there, in the mountains around me. I find joy and laughter with my family too. Yet everything seems to have this underlying layer of darkness that feels like just one wrong step will send me spiraling downward into the abyss.
A friend recently suggested that I keep a list of "things I did well today" every day so that I could concentrate on the good things in my life rather than the negative. And while that helps a lot, I haven't yet been able to make it a daily practice. I think it's a marvelous idea, and it does help my mindset more than doing the gratitude journal. But, I still find myself overwhelmed by my circumstances. I have too much stuff and I need desperately to purge it, and eventually be able to stop paying for a storage unit. However, due to my disability, I am not physically capable of doing it on my own and trying to get help often ends in frustration, anger and depression, and doesn't result in getting any of it purged.
So, I guess the big question here is, how do I change my circumstances? The Law of Attraction tells us that the first step is to change our thinking. And, while that can be very effective, it's really hard to keep a "Pollyanna" mentality when you're in pain every day and when paying the bills is a constant concern.
I wonder if setting a goal to think positively about even just one thing a day would work? Or maybe to record the places/things I found joy in each day combined with the positive thinking, and the list of "things I did well today". I'm not sure any of that will work, but it's certainly worth a try! I have faith in God that I will not be without comfort and guidance. I believe that things happen for a reason, and I need to look deeper to find what it is that I am to learn and how to take that forward in my life. As my daughter told me this week, all journeys start with just one step. So, today, this post is my first step in the journey to turning my life around.
Off we go...
