High Frequency

So, here I sit staring at my computer screen feeling the need to write. I'm not really sure how to even begin to put down all of my thoughts. I feel like my brain is on fast forward. The thoughts swirl by so quickly I can barely recognize them before the next one zips through. My EMDR therapist calls this operating at high frequency.

I think, sometimes, my brain does this in an attempt to compensate for the fact that my body is no longer capable of the actions and reactions that it used to be capable of. It is capable of a reasonable facsimile thereof, but certainly, not the same.  Some days that makes me very angry. Some days it just makes me sad.  Some days I'm able to overcome all that negativity and enjoy being in the moment. Today, however, was not one of those good days.

I've had a migraine daily for the last two weeks. It makes it so hard to do even the smallest task. In September I finally received the first monthly installment of my disability insurance. And, two days later, I received the retro-active payment equivalent to five years of disability payments, including cost of living (minus my attorney's fees). It's been such a long time coming, and I was absolutely elated! For the entire week after those payments came in, I was in a perpetually good mood, and my migraines even cooperated to some extent so that I was able to get some things done.

The first thing I did was go car shopping. We have been without a car for almost three years now.  It has been so difficult doing even minor things like grocery shopping, or doctor's appointments, or even being able to pick Daemon up from school if he got sick. Unfortunately, the first foray in the the wide world of used cars did not net me a car. They did not have the model I had seen advertised, and although they were great to work with and tried to find me something else, it just did not work out.  Since then, I have felt so physically ill that there were days I didn't even get dressed, let alone get out the door. So, here we are almost three weeks later, still without a car. I must admit to being incredibly impatient. I want one NOW! Actually, I want one three weeks ago!

Patience has never been my strong suit. I wonder sometimes if that is my great big lesson that God is trying to teach me in this lifetime. I am getting better at it. But I still suck at it! I am impatient with my body for not cooperating with what I want to do. I am impatient with the pain and the fatigue and the need to sleep when I want to be out doing things. I have not yet figured out how to find balance in this life I'm living. I am not good at allowing myself to sleep when I need to sleep. Or resting when I need to rest. Or, even eat when I need to eat.  Sometimes I am in such a frenetic state that I am afraid to eat for fear that I will trigger a bulimic episode. Oh yes, that too is one of my issues.

The second thing I wanted to do was move. However, the rental market is very tight right now. It is incredibly hard to find a three bedroom home to rent for less than $1,500 a month.  That is pushing how much we can afford even with my increased income, and Jen's income.  Also, we want to stay in the same school district since Daemon is doing so well.  His teacher this year is amazing.  The school he attends is phenomenal and absolutely goes all out for the kids.  So, for the time being we are stuck in a tiny apartment that is too small for two of us let alone three!  We have, however, been able to purchase some things to help us get organized and that is a tremendous help.

There are a number of other things I want to do with this money.  I want to donate to several charitable organizations that helped us transition from living with my (now) ex-husband to living here.  For the first year, we couldn't pay the rent on our own.  Our church and several other organizations as well as friends and family were very helpful. I want very much to contribute to those organizations so that others can get the same (or better) help we did.  I also want to invest some of it. I also have to pay taxes and buy my car.  I need to do some really serious thinking about actual amounts and where I want them to go, and then make it happen. However, when I am operating at this "high frequency" I can't stick on a thought long enough to do anything with it.

Today is World Card Making day and I wanted to make cards most of the day. Unfortunately, I felt physically ill, and mentally sad, angry and grieving.  Over the last two months, I have found several groups on Facebook that are scrapbook oriented and have started to connect with some amazing people.  There was a lot going on today - blog hops, folks chatting, sharing cards they had made and other creative items.  I love being part of these groups because I no longer feel alone in my hobby, and I feel validated, encouraged, inspired, and cared for. I feel like I'm part of the world again, even when I'm still at home.  It has been really wonderful for my state of mind, as well as giving me back my creative drive. I'm really loving it.  I have made a few pages over the last couple of months, and am working on several others. I have also made a few cards and a gift box. The first page I did (after my Week In The Life title page) was a sketch challenge from the Bo Bunny blog. I just happened to have the perfect picture and some papers that I had purchased in 2012 just before the big breakup. So I got those out and went to work. This is what I came up with:

I am very happy with how it turned out. I still need to do the journaling, but this is the 2nd complete layout I've done in 2 1/2 years. That's a huge step for me. And a few days later, I wanted to do some more, so I got out a picture that was taken of Jen and Daemon when they were in Buffalo in 2012. Jen took a semester off and went to Buffalo, NY to spend time with two friends, Stephanie and Janelle. The layout is of a walk they took in a park and is a favorite of mine. I have started subscribing to a kit club (something I've wanted to do for years) and I used parts of the kit for this layout:

So, I have had some good moments in the last month, and I've tried very hard to take advantage of those times. I am so grateful that I have scrapbooked these photos, and I'm looking forward to doing many more.  I have been able to purchase new supplies that I've been wanting for a long time, and now I'm facing a reorganization of "the whole kit and kaboodle", and all I really want to do is play with my goodies! However, until they are where I can find them, I cannot effectively do what I want to do. The biggest project I want to accomplish is finishing my Week In The Life for this year, but more importantly, for 2011.  I had not finished it, and for me, doing so would give me some closure of the incident with my ex-husband, as well as the end of our marriage. I need that.  So, my goal for the coming week is to get things rearranged a bit, get scrapping and get some work done. Hopefully I will be able to do that!

 So, here's to positive thoughts, positive feelings, physical and mental well being and finding a car to buy!!!! There is always hope! God's mercies are new every morning, and I am claiming that as my mantra for now.

Frustration Overload

The last few days have been difficult ones. I have been working on my Week In The Life album when I have felt well enough to do so. I haven't felt well, so I haven't gotten much done.  I was able to get colored ink and get my printer working correctly so that I could start printing pictures. I was making progress! Yay!

However, this progress came at a cost. I have been sick with cluster migraines for the last four or five days. These were more severe than what I typically have and included (besides excruciating pain) nausea, body aches, dizziness, lethargy, a lack of balance and the inability to do much other than sleep or lie on the couch or my bed. I've been feeling terribly frustrated. Last night I decided that despite how crappy I felt I was going to look through my WITL Pinterest board where I had saved over 200 pins of sketches and layouts that I thought I could use or modify to fit my pictures for my Week in the Life album. So, using my android phone during commercials (I was watching the last episode of "Falling Skies" on TNT, I started going through the pins on my Pinterest board. At some point I realized I had pinned the same layout twice, so decided to delete one copy of that particular pin. Well, let me tell you, that was a major mistake. My mind was not clear, and when the message came up about not being able to reverse the process, and was I sure I wished to delete it, I clicked "delete". 

(Cue sound effects:  DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!)

 I then realized that something did not look right. When I tried to go back to the initial board I discovered IT WAS GONE. THE WHOLE BOARD WAS GONE! NOOOOOOOOOO!  How could I have done such a thing? Surely there must be a way to reverse this, right? Well that answer was a big fat NO! So there I sat, on my couch in front of a tv show that I no longer could follow because my brain had suddenly been put on PAUSE! I could not wrap my mind around the idea that I had actually deleted over 200 pins in one fell swoop. Yup, just like that. "You've got to be kidding me", I frantically thought. Sadly, no one was pulling a prank on me. Nope, it was just me and the spongy mass that was masquerading as my brain. I broke down and cried. It actually surprises me that I did not throw my phone across the room. I was so disgusted by the whole mess. 

At that point, I had to put it aside and get my grandson ready for bed. As we went through the normal bedtime routine, my mind kept returning to the thought that I had actually deleted an entire board from my Pinterest page.  I have done some really sad stuff since developing these migraines, but this would have to be the most frustrating one.  Now, it's not impossible to rebuild a board for the WITL layouts. However, I have no way of remembering all the folks I pinned from previously. So, it's back to the drawing "board" so to speak. I went to bed last night hoping that today would be a better day. Both in feeling physically better and having more clarity of mind.

I'm happy to report that I woke up feeling better. I no longer felt that I was slugging through a muddy bog with someone repeatedly stabbing an ice pick through my skull. This was already a good day!

Accepting Limitations

For the last couple of weeks I have been participating in a global scrapbooking experience called Week In The Life that was created by Ali Edwards http://aliedwards.com/projects/week-in-the-life. I have really enjoyed being part of something again. Living with my disability has made it difficult to be as social as I used to be. I miss having friends to hang out with, to have coffee with, the ability to go to church, the movies, fellowship groups, book clubs, etc.  Doing Week in the Life has given me back the feeling of being part of something. And not just anything, but MY thing! I like to do a lot of crafts but scrapbooking is my passion.

I wholeheartedly dived in to the project. I got so excited about it that I documented the week before the "official" week started. I even worked on starting my album and created my title page. This was BIG for me, since I have not completed a single scrapbook page for 2 1/2 years. I felt empowered, and excited and elated that I was finally doing what I love AND getting to do it with the support and inspiration of Ali Edwards: http://aliedwards.com/blog and the communities she created on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/aeweekinthelife/ and on her blog.  It has been so much fun and has really fed my creative side. I even participated in spite of having several migraines during the two weeks (my week and the official week). That meant that some days I did nothing more than read and respond to other people's posts, but I was still part of it.

This week I had planned to print out my pictures, read through my daily notes, find sketches that would accommodate the number of pictures of each day along with other bits and pieces such as a business card, a Facebook meme that was particularly appropriate for the day and even a lovely card I was given on one of my days.  Sadly, I have been feeling really ill this week. Not just migraines - the extreme pain and inability to think or speak clearly, but also other side effects such as nausea, achy muscles and being super sensitive to light, sound and temperature.  Add to that that when I have tried to work on the project, I've discovered that my printer is not only out of colored ink (this is how I usually print my pictures), but isn't working properly.  In addition, my computer operating system is too old to accommodate any new programs (several plug ins like Flashplayer and Java will not update) and my version of Photo Shop Elements is terribly outdated. The frustration I am feeling is overwhelming.

This is what it is like to live with an "invisible" disability. You get so you try to work around, over, through, or in spite of the disability. But because this disability has prevented me from working outside the home for the last 8 years, I don't have the income to upgrade my technology when it needs it. I was finally approved for disability (after a five year fight) in June, but as of today, August 27, 2015, I still have not seen any money. Not the monthly stipend, or the retro active amount or even my lawyer's fees.  That means that I am still struggling financially, and this too, adds to my frustration.  So, the frustration, feeling physically unwell, and being angry and depressed at the bureaucratic mess that is the process for Social Security Disabilty creates bigger, and more severe migraines.

At this point, I feel like curling up in a ball and crying. However, that not only solves nothing, it makes the headaches worse.  I have been working hard in the last couple of years to accept the limitations of this disability and come to terms with the fact that I can no longer do the things I used to do - or at least in the same way. It takes me much longer to get anything done, even day to day activities like washing dishes, picking up a room or even taking a shower. Sometimes I cannot even do them. I have learned to laugh at myself when I forget something or have to ask someone to repeat something, I have learned that I am still a valuable person even when I cannot do things they way I used to. I'm working towards accepting my limitations, but I have to tell you this is not an easy journey. I know that we all have limitations - even those without disabilities have limitations of one kind or another.  But I feel like someone has stolen my life from me and replaced it with a very pale imitation.  I HATE not being able to do things the way I used to. I HATE having to write things down just so I remember something small. I HATE being limited to the amount of physical activity that I can do. I HATE not being able to go and do what I want to do when I want to do it. So, I guess I'm not doing well with accepting limitations.

Of course, there are bad days (like today) and there are good days. On my good days, I can laugh and I can enjoy the silly chatter of my six year old grandson, and I can get around fairly easily, and I can do things without too much difficulty.  Unfortunately my bad days far outnumber my good days. So, I'm working on acceptance. I've always been harder on myself than on anyone else, and that's a hard habit to break. I am, however, learning to allow myself the grace to be, to feel, to experience the difficult parts of my life. The harder I fight, the worse I feel.

So, on this day, I am going to be grateful for the fact that I have actually put together a scrapbook page for the first time in 2 1/2 years, I am grateful for being involved in such an amazing project and group of people from all over the globe. I am grateful to live with my daughter and grandson who love me and value me. I am grateful for friends (even though they live far away) and Facebook friends that help me feel connected.  And tomorrow, I'm sure, will be a better day, and I'll manage to get my album done even if it takes me a year of tomorrows.

Processing Time

The last two days have been difficult ones for me.  I have had extreme cluster migraines.  These make it very difficult for me to concentrate on anything. I haven't been able to be as active in the Facebook community and haven't even had a chance to read the last couple of Ali's blog posts. But I am still so happy to be participating in this event.

I have gained so much from being a part of this project this year. I have found value and purpose in my own life, I have reclaimed a part of myself that I had lost, and I have felt part of something huge happening across our world. It is so wonderful to see posts from and have conversations with people in New Zealand, Australia, Hong Kong, Paris, England, Sweden, and the good ole' US of A. I'm sure I have probably missed a couple of cities and countries!

 Because of my disability I am unable to be as social as I would like and certainly not as social as I used to be. I was very active in my community, in my church, with my children and their activities, and with friends and loved ones.  My world has gotten very small since I cannot commit to anything without a caveat of "unless I feel unwell". Most people don't want to hear that and there are even those that don't believe I have these migraines (that's why it is sometimes referred to as an "invisible disability"), and others think I use them as excuses.  Being part of this community of people that spans the globe has given me an incredible gift of joy, of laughter, of sharing, of inspiration, of support, of being able to encourage others and share my thoughts and ideas without fear of censure or judgment. I love that! The "official" 7 days are almost over and I find myself feeling sad. I hope that the community page will stay up on Facebook for a while and that folks will continue to post there and also on Ali Edward's community page.

Part of my scrapbooking process has always been mulling things over before committing the photos and products to paper or to a saved file (if I'm going digital). I've tried to let go of the frustration of feeling unwell and use the time that I can't really concentrate to sort of let things "gel" in my head.  I've spent several days looking through sketches, going through my stash for products to use and looking at the photos I've taken and weeding out the ones I won't use.  I have done my title page and I keep looking at it like a new baby! I love it! I love that I have finally made a scrapbook page for the first time in a long time, and I love how it turned out.  I love the colors and the way it came together. I love the text that Ali so generously gave us, and I love that I have been able to overcome the negative feelings that had become associated with my love of papercrafting.

I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, health wise, and that I can really put in some time creating layouts.  I hope that this experience has been as awesome for the rest of the group as it has been for me. I know that there are some that have felt discouraged, but I hope that somehow, whether they decide to finish or not, that they have found something wonderful to take away from it this year and to remember with joy!

#Week In The Life - Progress

I am feeling accomplished, yet exhausted, thrilled and struggling.  I am quite pleased with how it turned out.

So, you ask, why the mixed feelings?  This is because for the first time in more than 2 1/2 years I have completed a scrapbook layout. And not just any layout, but the title page for my 2015 Week In The Life album. This project is something that I really love, and I've done it in 2011 and 2012. In 2013 and 2014 my life was too chaotic and to be honest, I wasn't sure I could handle having to really look at my life as it was.  Not only do I live with a disability that makes daily functioning difficult a great part of the time, but my life has drastically changed from the previous two years I participated in this project. My marriage ended in a domestic violence incident in December of 2012 and that sent me into a tailspin. Suddenly, I found myself emotionally adrift, as well as financially.  I had no home, no car, no phone, and no income due to my disability. My daughter and grandson were living with me at the time, my daughter completing her AOS degree in Massage Therapy.  Her only income was school loans.  We had been thrust into a situation that was certainly not of our choosing.  In the process of finding a place where we were safe and that we might be able to afford, my hobby supplies got boxed up very quickly and without any organization whatsoever.  And, although I have unpacked most of them, they are still unorganized and my workspace is quite small.  In addition, my previous husband did not support my hobbies (scrapbooking, sewing, and other crafts) so it was always a bone of contention between us. I have had to work very hard to regain my joy in creating and to give this gift back to myself.

Now, I feel a tremendous sense of joy at this finished layout, but my day was filled with mixed feelings as well as a debilitating migraine that made functioning at all very difficult.  It has never taken me an entire day to complete a layout before. Sometimes it might take me several days to complete a layout just because I had other priorities. Today, though, after waking up with a migraine, I had to only work on it small bits at a time because the pain and nausea were overwhelming. Plus, although I love my Ott Lite, the light hurts my eyes and I can only take it for short periods of time. So, finding all the supplies, adding the title in photoshop and printing it out, finding a sketch to use, all took more time than normal, and only happened in separate periods of time interspersed with rest, making sure I ate something (being diabetic and having migraines is not fun!), and trying to just ride it out.

All in all, though, I did it! And that is a victory for me! I was unable to read most of the posts and blogs in the WITL communities today (which made me sad), but I'm sure that you all can understand. I hope you missed me! :)

So, here it is, the beginning of this year's album.  And, here's to overcoming obstacles when they were trying to run me over! Yay!

Learning to simplify

The last few days I have been spending a lot of time working on Week in The Life by Ali Edwards. I love that I have felt part of something real and big and special to me. I love that I have connected with many people all over the globe. I love that I have spent time going through my stash, my layout sketches, Pinterest pins and all the wonderful posts on Week in the Life on Facebook.


Unfortunately, I am the kind of person that is all in, or all out, and living with my disability has changed that. I am frustrated that I cannot multi task like I used to do. I am frustrated that there is not enough time in the day to read every amazing post or blog about Week In The Life, and to focus on my own.

Some of it is procrastination. I have not completed a single scrapbook layout in 2 1/2 years. In some ways I am afraid. I have a block that I'm working to get past. 2 1/2 years ago I was involved in a domestic violence incident and some of the causes had to do with disagreement over my hobbies. Of course, that was only one small part of it, but I have internalized the pain and the fear and the grief that came with it. No one ever expects to find themselves abused, or their family abused by a loved one. I love Ali's post today that we need to remember that her posts are HER life, and that it is very different from our own. One of the hardest things for me is not comparing myself to others. I look at friends, acquaintances, and others I interact with and think "why can't my life be more like that"? I wanted my life to be a certain way by the time I was a grandmother. I didn't ever expect to be living with one of my children (although it is an amazing and difficult thing all at the same time), and I didn't expect to develop a disability.

I'm finding a new way to live my life. Part of doing this project for me is re-evaluating life. Life as I'm living it right now. There are so many things that I want to change about my life. Unfortunately, some of it I cannot change. I cannot make the migraines go away. I cannot immediately drop over 100 lbs. I cannot magically make my crafting/bedroom space any bigger than it is.

However, I CAN stop procrastinating and dive in. I can find lots of freebies on Pinterest, I can find inspiration and support in the Facebook Week in the Life community and the Week in The Life Community on Ali's web page. And I can actually begin!

So, today, even though I don't feel very good, I'm going to make an attempt to work on my pages. I didn't buy Ali's kit (finances are very tight) and I have a huge stash anyway. So, I'm going to take the time to really start putting together my plan for my album. I documented my week last week, so I have the pictures, I have the words, I just need to begin.  And, I have to remember that if I can only manage 20 minutes, that's ok. If I'm able to do more than that, that's ok. I don't like that something outside my control (my migraines and how I feel physically) dictates how much time and how much effort I can ever put into something. I'm not good at accepting change. And I never wanted my life to be like this. But the reality is that it is like this. And I want to find the good, the joy, the blessings amongst the difficulties.

Documenting my life this year is a journey inward and a challenge to myself to love my life no matter how it is. This is about real life after all!

#Week In the Life

One of my favorite scrapbooking designers, Ali Edwards, does a project each year called Week In The Life. It's a seven day documentation of your life. It's such a wonderful way to capture a vignette of now. It's astonishing to realize all the stuff that goes into a normal day in anyone's life.  What is especially interesting is having documented several years now and being able to go back and look at what was, and what has changed - both for the good and the bad - and what is happening right now, in REAL life. It's not about taking pictures of just the "good" stuff, it's about documenting the reality of your life.

I lost my dad in 2009, and I think all the time that I wish that I had a better "picture" of what his life was like on a day to day basis. Even though I spent parts of those days with him, I was a child, and he was an adult with all the responsibilities and stresses and joys that go with that.  I know facts, like he fished and hunted to help feed his family, he worked for the U.S. Forest Service, was a Reserve Deputy for the Bonneville County Sheriff's office in Idaho, was married to my mom, had 5 kids, etc.  But I don't really know what his routines were, who his co-workers were (or at least not many of them), what comprised his day, etc.  My mom has Alzheimers now, and the same applies for her. Especially since my mom is a hoarder. Yes, just like you can see on the tv show Hoarders. That was a difficult thing for me to deal with as a young adult and even now when I'm a grandmother. It hurts to think that my mom has a mental illness (besides the Alzheimers), and we didn't know that was what it was, and couldn't help her. Of course, she would not admit there was anything wrong with her (still won't) or that she needed help.

Bottom line is that I want my grandchildren and great grandchildren to have a better idea of my life than I had/have of my parents and even my grandparents. Random pictures are wonderful, but can never tell the story by themselves.

So, here we go for another year of documenting. I love the process, I'm grateful for the spotlight it puts on things in my life that I want to change, and how it makes me really think about things that it's easier to ignore. I'm currently on a journey of learning and growth and change, and I want to remember it all. The struggles, the joys, the frustrations, the blessings, etc.

Here's to a great week!

And so it begins...

I've been wanting to write a blog for a really long time. One that embodies my life where I can write about my day, or about my grandchildren, or I can rant about the frustrations of fighting for disability. Or, and this is the biggie, the changes in my life and my journey along a path that I could never have foreseen.  So, welcome to my world.  I'll be adding all kinds of things, including my crafting pursuits, pictures of things I love, of my grandchildren and some posts and things from Facebook that are inspirational and help me keep going.