High Frequency

So, here I sit staring at my computer screen feeling the need to write. I'm not really sure how to even begin to put down all of my thoughts. I feel like my brain is on fast forward. The thoughts swirl by so quickly I can barely recognize them before the next one zips through. My EMDR therapist calls this operating at high frequency.

I think, sometimes, my brain does this in an attempt to compensate for the fact that my body is no longer capable of the actions and reactions that it used to be capable of. It is capable of a reasonable facsimile thereof, but certainly, not the same.  Some days that makes me very angry. Some days it just makes me sad.  Some days I'm able to overcome all that negativity and enjoy being in the moment. Today, however, was not one of those good days.

I've had a migraine daily for the last two weeks. It makes it so hard to do even the smallest task. In September I finally received the first monthly installment of my disability insurance. And, two days later, I received the retro-active payment equivalent to five years of disability payments, including cost of living (minus my attorney's fees). It's been such a long time coming, and I was absolutely elated! For the entire week after those payments came in, I was in a perpetually good mood, and my migraines even cooperated to some extent so that I was able to get some things done.

The first thing I did was go car shopping. We have been without a car for almost three years now.  It has been so difficult doing even minor things like grocery shopping, or doctor's appointments, or even being able to pick Daemon up from school if he got sick. Unfortunately, the first foray in the the wide world of used cars did not net me a car. They did not have the model I had seen advertised, and although they were great to work with and tried to find me something else, it just did not work out.  Since then, I have felt so physically ill that there were days I didn't even get dressed, let alone get out the door. So, here we are almost three weeks later, still without a car. I must admit to being incredibly impatient. I want one NOW! Actually, I want one three weeks ago!

Patience has never been my strong suit. I wonder sometimes if that is my great big lesson that God is trying to teach me in this lifetime. I am getting better at it. But I still suck at it! I am impatient with my body for not cooperating with what I want to do. I am impatient with the pain and the fatigue and the need to sleep when I want to be out doing things. I have not yet figured out how to find balance in this life I'm living. I am not good at allowing myself to sleep when I need to sleep. Or resting when I need to rest. Or, even eat when I need to eat.  Sometimes I am in such a frenetic state that I am afraid to eat for fear that I will trigger a bulimic episode. Oh yes, that too is one of my issues.

The second thing I wanted to do was move. However, the rental market is very tight right now. It is incredibly hard to find a three bedroom home to rent for less than $1,500 a month.  That is pushing how much we can afford even with my increased income, and Jen's income.  Also, we want to stay in the same school district since Daemon is doing so well.  His teacher this year is amazing.  The school he attends is phenomenal and absolutely goes all out for the kids.  So, for the time being we are stuck in a tiny apartment that is too small for two of us let alone three!  We have, however, been able to purchase some things to help us get organized and that is a tremendous help.

There are a number of other things I want to do with this money.  I want to donate to several charitable organizations that helped us transition from living with my (now) ex-husband to living here.  For the first year, we couldn't pay the rent on our own.  Our church and several other organizations as well as friends and family were very helpful. I want very much to contribute to those organizations so that others can get the same (or better) help we did.  I also want to invest some of it. I also have to pay taxes and buy my car.  I need to do some really serious thinking about actual amounts and where I want them to go, and then make it happen. However, when I am operating at this "high frequency" I can't stick on a thought long enough to do anything with it.

Today is World Card Making day and I wanted to make cards most of the day. Unfortunately, I felt physically ill, and mentally sad, angry and grieving.  Over the last two months, I have found several groups on Facebook that are scrapbook oriented and have started to connect with some amazing people.  There was a lot going on today - blog hops, folks chatting, sharing cards they had made and other creative items.  I love being part of these groups because I no longer feel alone in my hobby, and I feel validated, encouraged, inspired, and cared for. I feel like I'm part of the world again, even when I'm still at home.  It has been really wonderful for my state of mind, as well as giving me back my creative drive. I'm really loving it.  I have made a few pages over the last couple of months, and am working on several others. I have also made a few cards and a gift box. The first page I did (after my Week In The Life title page) was a sketch challenge from the Bo Bunny blog. I just happened to have the perfect picture and some papers that I had purchased in 2012 just before the big breakup. So I got those out and went to work. This is what I came up with:

I am very happy with how it turned out. I still need to do the journaling, but this is the 2nd complete layout I've done in 2 1/2 years. That's a huge step for me. And a few days later, I wanted to do some more, so I got out a picture that was taken of Jen and Daemon when they were in Buffalo in 2012. Jen took a semester off and went to Buffalo, NY to spend time with two friends, Stephanie and Janelle. The layout is of a walk they took in a park and is a favorite of mine. I have started subscribing to a kit club (something I've wanted to do for years) and I used parts of the kit for this layout:

So, I have had some good moments in the last month, and I've tried very hard to take advantage of those times. I am so grateful that I have scrapbooked these photos, and I'm looking forward to doing many more.  I have been able to purchase new supplies that I've been wanting for a long time, and now I'm facing a reorganization of "the whole kit and kaboodle", and all I really want to do is play with my goodies! However, until they are where I can find them, I cannot effectively do what I want to do. The biggest project I want to accomplish is finishing my Week In The Life for this year, but more importantly, for 2011.  I had not finished it, and for me, doing so would give me some closure of the incident with my ex-husband, as well as the end of our marriage. I need that.  So, my goal for the coming week is to get things rearranged a bit, get scrapping and get some work done. Hopefully I will be able to do that!

 So, here's to positive thoughts, positive feelings, physical and mental well being and finding a car to buy!!!! There is always hope! God's mercies are new every morning, and I am claiming that as my mantra for now.